MAKING A MARRIAGE CLICK !

There are many reasons why a marriage fails. It has been observed that many marriages go through different developmental stages and predictable crises. But because people are unfamiliar with the usual ups and downs of marriage, these predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing over-reactions. Those who manage to ward off these stormy periods usually come out with greater love and respect for their spouses. When it comes to marriage – adjustment, co-operation and above all compromise, becomes an essential aspect. Understanding the problem Many couples do not realise that the difference between criticism and complain. Criticism involves attacking someone’s nature rather than their behaviour. Everyone has the right to crib and complain. Venting out what you feel is a healthy marital activity, and much healthier than suppressing your feelings. Criticism, on the other hand, entails blaming, making a personal attack or an accusation. Whereas complaints usually begin with the word ‘I’, criticisms begin with ‘you’. For example, “I expect a small gift from you sometimes,” is a complaint. “You never buy me anything and this is what I hate about you,” is a criticism. When couples criticise each other they attack each other’s self-esteem. Lack of intimacy is one of those very common problems that shakes the very foundation of a marriage and upturns a loving and caring relationship. A considerable decline in physical affection is also counted as one of the most recognised symptoms of a failing or a bad relationship. Stop giving the silent treatment A common marriage problem is stonewalling and it appears when you simply stop responding, even defensively, to your partner's accusations. Most stonewallers (about 85 per cent) are men. Feeling overwhelmed by emotions and the problems, the marriage is facing, they start withdrawing. They try to avoid confrontations and arguments, keep their faces immobile, and avoid eye contact. They prefer turning their back and sleeping rather than solving the issue leaving their spouse fuming. Getting rid of habits that irritate These are some instances that can irritate your partner to a great extent. Leaving the toilet seat up and forgetting to flush, keeping the cell phone at odd places and not able to find it when needed have become some of the most common irritating habits that frequently provoke issues between couples. However, there are other irritating personal habits likely to cause problems including: Bad driving Not sharing household chores (Including not looking after children) Leaving a mess in any part of the house Not sharing the TV remote Personal hygiene Amount of time spent on personal interests rather than with partner Amount of time spent getting ready and even the choice of clothes Avoid infidelity Extramarital affairs can range from a having a one-night fling in a drunken state to a long-term, planned affair. Infidelity happens when feelings of depression, stress, or just being overwhelmed with the pressures of life take over. These can cause some people to neglect their physical appearance and hygiene. The other partner may not feel attracted to his/her spouse anymore. Another reason for looking outside the marriage is when couples become very demanding. A wife or husband may not realise that nagging and complaining is demanding. It puts a lot of pressure on a spouse to be a certain way for the other. Recipe for a happy relationship Communication is the key. That means talking through situations rather than bottling up or accusing each other. While couples communicate, they should avoid getting defensive, the pitch or the tone should be observed. Empathy is important in marriage. This means being able to put yourself in another’s position.